Homesick

[Some context: This was a post that I wrote in late-February this year. I sat on it for over 8 months and finally decided to post it today. I think it's interesting looking back at a snapshot of my mind 8 months ago and seeing if I persevered in all my endeavours (*hint* not really I'm still working on it). With that being said, enjoy my unfiltered brain.]

I'm home. 

I'm home at long last.

5 month's of adapting, molding and changing to fit university life has taken its toll. 

I'm on spring break and I am happy to be home. I am flattered to feel my mom's cheeks flush when she hugs me at the airport. I love seeing my sisters eyes light up at the sour candy I brought home. It has only been a week, but a week at home is an infinity unto itself; my mind is racing a million miles an hour and stationary all at once- I've never felt anything quite like it. But this is cathartic, and so here I am: stumbling to find the right words but hoping a spew of unfiltered words will help me unpack whatever it is I'm feeling. I suspect a healthy dose of homesickness. 

Chapter 1: Home

A little over a year ago,  if you asked me where home was, I wouldn't have known what to say to you, let alone myself. I have since had to travel halfway across the world to realize that home is wherever my heart is. My new home is Beppu. It's in the alleyways behind Kitahama. It's in the solitary, sweaty nightclub and the karaoke bars where I "sing" my guts out. Home is with my tribe. I think about my home away from home and I am homesick again. 

Chapter 2: Love

I am still learning the nuances of love. Learning to love myself and love the people around me has been particularly challenging. This past week has been nothing short of eye opening. I have had the privilege of watching a budding love story bloom. Apart from being a magical, heart-warming tale of boy-meets-girl, it has proven to me that even just being a wingman can be the ultimate homesickness cure. I have learnt to love the idea of caring deeply for a person. No matter what happens, I have had the pleasure of knowing how deeply and how genuinely you can love someone. It reminds me that I love my tribe across the sea with an unfathomable depth of gratitude, I can never thank them enough for befriending me when I needed it the most and in doing so, turned my life around from what it was a year ago. I need to tell them that in person. funny how I feel home sick again.

Chapter 3: Independence

I am finding my feet again. I am seeking my purpose and direction and strength and I feel alive. I have long felt the burden of my place in the "circle of life" but I get it now. I just landed my first job. I am exploring the limits of my work ethic and the lengths I'll go to make this crazy dream work and I think I'm onto something... only time will tell if this will pay off, for now I'm excited to see where my unbridled ideas take me. I am happy paving my path on my own. Being at home with my family is wonderful and comfortable and warm. Be that as it may, I can't deny that I'm just as susceptible to wanting to lean back into what made me itch everyday; the daily grind and hustle of being a tiny and insignificant cog in the wheel is strangely what keeps me going in Beppu- and that's where the homesickness makes itself known, loud and crystal clear.

Chapter 4: Resolution

I don't know what my immediate future looks like, but I've decided to made my peace about the whole thing. I hope the next half of the year brings heartbreak and sorrow and dejection so I learn to stand up for myself and accept the responsibilities that come with being an adult (whatever the heck that may constitute). 

Being homesick for a city that has barely been a home is strange,

but I am so glad I feel things the way I do. 

Until next time, 

Maria